Guilt, resentment, judgment and other recent emotions

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Life is good. And I’ve been feeling kind of bad. I have been far more irritable than necessary. I’ve been feeling badly about almost every aspect of my life. I’ve been judging myself and others.

I really don’t know if things are worse than usual or if I’m just more tuned in. I do know that things need to change.

Being annoyed: at my husband, my daughter, the silliest little things. Get over it. Communicate my needs and then let things go. Also: heard of prayer?

Frustration, anger, fear, worry: how about preparing for the course I’m teaching? I think I’m going to have to plan for low performance and gear my work accordingly just to get it done. It doesn’t have to be great, it just has to be done.

Guilt: mainly over parenting. My daughter is still sick and has a cough. She isn’t eating enough. I don’t make the right foods or offer them at the right time. Or give her the attention she needs. What else … oh yeah, I suck.

Solution: right, prayer and meditation. Also consultation. Planning with my husband for family and baby-specific meals. Accept that today, for instance, I’m exhausted from being up with her constantly last night. And she seems pretty happy overall.

Judgment: just stop it. Not good for my health. I want my daughter to see a mom who’s happy with herself.

And when it comes to others: if I want to judge, ask or talk instead. Ran into a mom tonight who’s going on a 5-day trip in order to wean her child. I think she’s insane and cruel to consider it. But really, I’m not her. I don’t know who’s talking with her about child needs versus mom needs. If I think it’s that bad of a choice I could tell her that. Really, could I? I did say it sounds “harsh” and asked if she’s determined to wean. I could have asked, what impact do you think that will have on your baby? Wish I had. But, I don’t expect it would have changed her mind. The sad truth is, I don’t know what’s best for other people and though I want to be the advocate for all the babies in the world who have to experience parenting that I consider damaging, I can’t be. And who knows, there may be those who want to come and rescue my child from me. I certainly do sometimes.

So. Enough being grumpy. I know my husband isn’t enjoying it, though he’s being super nice and supportive. Make some changes, get things done and move on.

good night.

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