Today was kind of about anti-acceptance.
I hit the ground running, tackling emails as they came in and prepping for a big day at work. My afternoon meeting was cancelled so I was ready for a full-on productive day.
And suddenly, mid-morning, I had an irresistable urge to compare myself to others. I just had to know how much happier, accomplished, successful and attractive other people were compared to me and my sad little life. So I googled and facebooked and compared.
Would you believe it? I suck!
Also surprising: my productivity didn’t increase after all that research!
A few hours later, after a yoga class and talking with my husband, I pulled it together and got some work done. A visit from a wonderful student who wants to use me as a reference helped. I am still left with lingering negative feelings. Guilt over not getting the most out of my day. Frustration that I still waste time comparing myself to others. Regret that I somehow still lack a sense of inherent self-worth or satisfaction with my life.
Then of course, I drove to pick up my daughter after work. I see her face break into a smile at the window as she turns to run and greet me at the top of the stairs. Then I arrive home to a welcoming husband who tells me to get into the bath and relax, makes supper, and gives me Valentine’s chocolates. In between I visit with my loving and supportive parents. It really does a disservice to the amazing people who are my family when I’m this ungrateful for what I am doing with my life. I don’t know why I think there’s an objective standard of accomplishment, a common yardstick for measuring worth that runs along a single track. In fact, we are all unique, all given special gifts and constraints and opportunities and inspirations. There’s no one yardstick for success, and none of us is in a position to judge what someone else has done with her life.
And we all have the opportunity and responsibility to choose the life we want to live. I actually, at this point, don’t really want a high-pressure life. And I am quite taken with the idea of home schooling my girl. A choice like that would certainly not register high on the accomplishment scale I was applying this morning. Yet it could be a life full of joy, love and value.
Above all, I need to own my choices and rejoice in them. If I’m living my life, I choose to love it. If I’m not loving it, I can choose to make it something new.
So my choice for tonight and tomorrow is to celebrate where I am and who I’m with.
With that, I’m going to drink tea, eat chocolate, read a bit and maybe purge. Because THAT is my choice, and I love it!!