Guilt

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Guilt, guilt guilt. Why do I feel so much guilt? I am becoming aware of how constantly I am assessing my actions and wondering what I should be doing differently. Guilt is the opposite of being in the moment. It’s the opposite of self-acceptance. It’s the opposite of peace. And I am riddled with it.

Guilt rears its head particularly around baby. Did I spend enough time with her; did I give her the attention she needs; oh no, she’s hungry or thirsty; she’s tired and needs to nap and I haven’t been paying attention. Basically, I’m second guessing myself constantly throughout the day and feeling badly that I didn’t meet her needs appropriately.

And then there’s breastfeeding. There’s always breastfeeding. I have a mental clock that’s constantly calculating when she last nursed, when she needs some next, and how I will fail as a breastfeeding mom if she goes too long between nursing. And then if she’s over-hungry and so doesn’t nurse well, I might as well give up. Breastfeeding is still, at 14 months, constantly on my mind. Sometimes it goes well and I”m thrilled, but generally I’m simply watching, observing, judging and criticizing.

Guilt holds so many possibilities – it can truly impact every area of life! Even on vacation: I am constantly quesitoning who we visit or don’t visit, who we contact to try adn visit, who do I know well enough to visit, why did I contact XYZ so late in the game to try and arrange a visit  … the wondering and second guessing just don’t end.

Frankly, this mental cycling and recycling is getting pretty tiresome. I’m sure it’s exhausting, stressful and annoying to read (not that that makes me feel guilty at all). This is the type of thinking that I wanted to address, break and move beyond this year with a focus on peace. And at the almost half-way point, I find myself thoroughly enmeshed in it. I am really not sure how to break out of this into a more relaxed, accepting pattern of thought, but I do know that I need to. I don’t want to carry this around with me, and I can’t fathom being a mom and being run by guilt. No fun for anyone involved.

No answers here, just an observation tonight.

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