Milk Shake

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Milky questions have been keeping me up and bringing me down. We are nearing the end of our donated milk supply. All the wonderful women who have pumped for us and donated to us aren’t able to help out anymore. I’m looking online for donors through Human Milk 4 Human Babies, but there aren’t many donors at the moment; and for those donors that exist, there are more high-need babies than our baby – babies in hospital, babies with cancer, babies who really truly need that limited stash of donor milk.

I’m so grateful we’ve got her to 11 months with only minimal (2 or 3 cans) of formula. She’s nearly a year old and her main milk source has been human. That is the way it should be!

At the same time, the upcoming transition from human milk to something else brings up a lot of anxiety and past emotions. I really don’t know what we will have her drink next. We’ve tried goat’s milk, a little, and she hasn’t been too enthusiastic. In fact, she’s opened her mouth and let it all dribble out. We don’t want to do cow’s milk, particularly with her eczema. And we do not, do not want to give her commercial formula. Um … what options are left again? I realize that she will not starve, but I still don’t know what will happen. What if she doesn’t like anything we give her? She won’t drink it. She will cry and scream and fuss and drink water and not get the nourishment she needs. And did I mention she’ll probably cry? Like she does now when she wants a bottle that doesn’t come quickly enough? I can already visualize many miserable scenes.

And all my frustration with not having enough milk has reemerged. Why?! What went wrong that my body doesn’t make enough food for my child? If only … none of these things would be issues right now.

There are small graces. Like a friend who has a few extra bags she can give us. And her husband will drop them off! (thank you!).

And (don’t worry, mom) she won’t starve. We will find something she can eat/drink. I don’t know exactly what, but we will figure it out. We have to, so we will. Who knows, maybe she’ll really take to goat’s milk. Or maybe once we add all the other ingredients to make homemade formula it will be delicious to her. We will see. Who knows, maybe this is something I can pray about!!

In the meantime, I continue to pump at work. Twice a day usually. A break from rushing around, a chance to surf the internet and stare at pictures of my gorgeous baby. I’m getting about 3 ounces out a day. Far, far from what I want, but I will take it and keep on pumping.

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