Up and Down

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I’ve been bouncing around emotionally a bit today. Though I feel slightly down, stressed and out of it tonight, I have to admit that overall it was a really lovely day.

Baby woke up happy. Yay!

Breakfast was easy and she dealt with the rinse-off in the laundry tub very well.

I caught two poops. Always good!

Got 2 loads of laundry done (and a third, of diapers, is finishing now. Thanks husband!)

Had a nice walk and an unplanned meet-up with my sister and an old friend after their yoga class. Nice to catch up!

Baby was exceptionally interactive and playful today. Or maybe that’s just me being more aware, responsive and engaged. We played crawling games, talking games, just had fun together. She is getting brighter and more aware all the time.

I managed to cook dinner – beans, salad and potatoes. And it tasted good.

Baby had a lovely morning nap. Didn’t manage the afternoon one as well, but she got some rest.

We had some milk delivered to our door. Yay and thank you!

Husband is taking baby for a walk as she didn’t go down to sleep after nursing.

I made some progress on transferring photos from books to the box.

So why the stress? Life is great!

One big one is that I realized we’re down to 2-3 weeks of stored milk and only one local donor who doesn’t have a lot, though we are so grateful for what she does donate. I’m asking around for more donors but don’t know what I’ll find. No matter what I don’t think we’ll try formula again, so I will have to figure out what else to give her: raw goat’s milk? mix up formula for her? I don’t know. Whatever it is, if we don’t find more milk it means a lot more work, for us, for me, right as I start full-time work again.

So that’s an external stress. Internally I’ve been reflecting on choices and self-image and wondering how my life might look if I had really valued who I was and had asked questions and pursued passions and stated truths regardless of how they might be perceived or impact others. I don’t mean that I wish I had been thoughtless; I just wish I had been more sure of myself and truer to myself, listened to my inner wisdom instead of justifying it away to avoid conflict or hurting others. Regrets about opportunities not taken are an unpleasant place to live.

Peace, right? How can I swing this negativity around to peace?

Milk: all I can do is pursue possibilities. I will call and thank the local donor and let her know why her milk is so valuable to us now. I will email other women about possibilities. And I’ll do some quick research to figure out what the next best option is.

Dwelling where I shouldn’t: get out of there. I am working to apply the lessons I wanted to learn a long time ago, to value myself and speak my truth. Any dwelling in the past is idle fancy, good for nothing. I can choose what to do with my thoughts and I’d rather be positive, forward-looking and happy.

My peace take-away for today is for me to take the negative thoughts and choose forward action from them. Simple, do-able and re-do-able day after day.

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