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Today brought some nice moments.

Lovely nursing with my daughter several times – before leaving for work in the morning, after her nap at my parents’, in the car before coming home.

I had a meeting with the woman I mentioned earlier whose well-maintained appearance inspired me to work on my own. She commented that she had the same shirt as I had, even in the same colour. Vindication! Of course, as I realized at the end of the day, when she wears it you probably can’t see her nipples. Unfortunate side-effect of being a nursing mom. I will have to try those pads for milk absorption in addition to a bra. Though why it should be deemed inappropriate for your clothing to indicate a part of your body is a bit beyond me.

Nearly cleaned-up office and desk at work. Lots still to do but the settling in is going well.

Ran into many friends & colleagues on campus today. It was really good to reconnect and feel warmly welcomed back. It affirmed that I did okay at the job over the year before, and I can do the same this coming year, with the support of colleagues.

Blueberry picking with Baby & family. Gorgeous spot – a massive blueberry farm on a hill in the summer sun. Baby rode on me but mainly sat on the grass, crawled a bit, ate many blueberries and picked a few (not ripe). I LOVE blueberries, and loved having her experience being out in the berry patch.

Gave baby a bath at my parents’ before coming home in hopes she would fall asleep in the car. She was fussing in the bath and wanted out so I got in with her. I love baths :).

Home again. Also lovely.

Today brought much anxiety about being a working mother. I can see my daughter is doing fine, though I haven’t been away for full days or days in a row yet so that is still to come. But I don’t like being away from her. I don’t like the feeling of being two different people: mom/wife/homemaker/creative person, and employee. I don’t like the slight feeling of disconnection I feel – probably have to feel – from my girl in order to leave her, and as a result of leaving her. She’s so little and so wonderful. I want to be with her more and more, not less and less. And admittedly, when I’m home with her all day I can get somewhat crazy. But still. I’m with my girl and that’s what counts.

Not prepared to make any big decisions about things yet; simply noting where I am at in the process. Peacefully acknowledging, open to what unfolds. And very glad it is the weekend.

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